I am subjected to extreme forms of brutality if I pay attention as well as if I don't pay attention, and if I exercise my freedom of speech as well as if I don't. it is made to seem that when I am policed, it's because I did something wrong (or thought something wrong). of course, it is perceived by that which polices that in every situation there is only one right thing to think. and it is a matter of great shame if I have thought the wrong thing. it is understandable that I am being shunned, and it is a casual matter that I am surrounded by nazis, and I shouldn't even bother to expect to be able to go anywhere without being harassed, and no one owes to tell me the truth about anything. but the eyes are on me, and I must conduct myself and my thoughts appropriately, and behind it all I am to believe there is someone who understands, and commits endless bullshit against me so that I can recognize it as such and say: 'what bullshit'.